The beginning of my pun collection
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremonywasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "Abeer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does thistaste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.""That sounds like 'Tom Jones Syndrome.""Is it common?""Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says toDolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believeyou," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!", exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing tolook at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn'tfind any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,"Dam!"
15. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in thecraft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have yourkayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing inthe lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about anhour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Butwhy?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can't standchess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." (tip: use the Americanpronunciation for "foyer" - rhymes with "lawyer")
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to afamily in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to hisbirth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that shewishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They'retwins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, whichproduced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate verylittle, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered frombad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed byhalitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to hisfriends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
21. What did a small pony with a sore throat had to say? I am just a little hoarse
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "Abeer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does thistaste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'.""That sounds like 'Tom Jones Syndrome.""Is it common?""Well, 'It's Not Unusual'."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says toDolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believeyou," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!", exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing tolook at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn'tfind any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says,"Dam!"
15. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in thecraft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have yourkayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing inthe lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about anhour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "Butwhy?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can't standchess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." (tip: use the Americanpronunciation for "foyer" - rhymes with "lawyer")
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to afamily in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain;they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to hisbirth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that shewishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They'retwins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, whichproduced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate verylittle, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered frombad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed byhalitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to hisfriends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
21. What did a small pony with a sore throat had to say? I am just a little hoarse
posted by Kipod at 10:06 AM
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